My Little Pony: Friendship Is Exasperating
by Walker Talker
Summary: This is what happens when a guy with to much time on his hands decides to rewrite the MLP story with his own spin on things. Applejack is a redneck, Fluttershy is a NEET, Rainbow Dash is an idiot, Rarity is a gold digger, Pinkie Pie has schizophrenia, and Twilight Sparkle is a anti-social ball of emotions. Warning: Bad language, Sexual references, and a really good looking author.


**I don't own jack shit. The company that owns everything is called Hasbro.**

 _A long time ago, before light and darkness, before life, before plants, before water, before the epic and totally cool Sun, and before the useless Moon, before everything was anything. There was an Alicorn by the name of Celestia who was and still is an extremely powerful and all-knowing goddess of time and space._

 _Celestia decided that it was too dark so she created the Sun, because she is just that fucking awesome. Celestia also wanted to create a world that she could rule over, so she did! She named the world that she created Equestria._

 _She brought life to Equestria in the form of three different types of ponies, the first form was named earth pony's, they are almost as useless as the Moon. The second pony form was called Pegasus, they can fly and manipulate the weather which is okay but the most awesome out of the three pony forms is called Unicorns, they can use MAGIC which is cooler than cool, its ice cold._

 _With the awesome leadership of Celestia, the ponies created cities and towns to live in. I don't really know the difference between cities and towns but that doesn't matter. The ponies lived in peace for several thousand years, until a mare by the name of Nightmare Moon came along. (Also known as the mare who isn't as cool as Celestia.) She wanted to bring eternal night to the land of Equestria, Kind of like that one devil looking guy from a long time ago. Celestia tried to tell her that if there was eternal night then that would mean less Sun, and there should never be less Sun, but Nightmare Moon didn't lesson so Celestia had to banish her far far far far far far far away…the moon is what I am trying to say._

 _Celestia did not regret anything, she totally didn't cry. She differently didn't drown her sorrows away with enough sugary food to give someone diabetes 10 times over. She differently doesn't feel bad even to this day. She differently doesn't cry herself to sleep everyday thinking about how much she misses Luna….because there is nopony named Luna, and if there was she would not regret sending them to the moon. She could have been Celestia's sister and Celestia still would have not felt guilty about banishing her to the moon._

 _I mean I had no choice but to send her to the moon. She was jealous of my great leadership! It was the only way to insure the safety of Equestria. If there was a way to stop Nightmare Moon, other than banishing her to the moon, Celestia would never had banished her, because Celestia is not as heartless as everyone thinks she is._

 _Nightmare Moon will be returning in a thousand years on the longest day of that year, probably during the Summer Sun Celebration. Make sure you tell Celestia about her return. She is a little forgetful at times mostly because she started drinking liqueur after Banishing Nightmare Moon. Celestia is the only one who can fight against Nightmare Moon so tell her of Luna's return._

 _That is all I can tell you, the rest is in your hooves. I'm going to go get another bottle of Jack Daniel's. All you have to do is tell Celestia about Nightmare Moon's return. I am sure she will believe you. She has always been very understanding._

"Man, fuck to the buck… that book sucked" Twilight Sparkle said as she finished reading. " _That was the worst book I have ever read and that's saying something, considering I've read most of the Daring Do series._ " Twilight thought as she put the book into the saddle bag that was attached to her side.

Twilight had been reading a mysterious book that she found in one of the castles libraries. She expected the book to be about super awesome magic spells but instead she got some vengeful villain coming back to dethrone princess Celestia and bring eternal night…..that actually sounds pretty exciting.

"Wait a second, _if I can stop Nightmare Moon from bringing eternal night than Celestia will have no choice but to finally make me a princess. I mean, Cadence became a princess so why the hell can't I?"_ Twilight thought as she trotted back home.

"Hey Twilight, Silver Lining is having a party latter tonight. You going to come?" some random Unicorn said as Twilight ran by.

"I have to stop a villain from bringing eternal night to all of Equestria. So no I am not going to come to some stupid party!" Twilight yelled as she ran by the random pony on her way home.

Meanwhile, at Twilight's house, Twilight's pet/servant/brother was doing what any baby dragon would do….he was face down on the couch taking a nap. The sound of someone knocking at the door awoke the young dragon.

"If you are a girl scout, I don't need any cookies! If you're from the church then, no I don't know who Jesus is, I never met the guy." Spike called out to whoever was behind door as he continued to lay on the couch.

"It's Twilight, open the door!" Twilight yelled from the other side of the door. Spike groaned and got off the couch and walked over to the door.

"I don't see why we have to lock the door in the first place, we live in Canterlot not Manehattan." Spike said as he unlocked the door.

"Pack your bags we are heading to Ponyville." Twilight said as she entered the house.

"Why?" Spike asked.

"Vacation" Twilight answered.

"You hate vacations." Spike said as he walked back to the couch.

"Fine, you caught me. The real reason we are going to Ponyville is to stop an evil Goth pony from taking over Equestria and bringing eternal night." Twilight said.

"Really?" Spike asked as he sat back down on the couch.

"Really" Twilight answered as she levitated a piece of paper and quill towards herself.

"Rad." Spike said.

"Rad indeed, after I defeat Nightmare Moon Celestia will have no choice but to make me a Princess." Twilight said as she started writing on the piece of paper.

"Still going on about the Princess thing. Ever since Cadence became a Princess you haven't been able to go five minutes without talking about how Celestia is going to make you a Princess." Spike said.

"I am Princess Celestia's star pupil, of course she will make me a Princess eventually. I became Celestia's pupil when I was only thirteen years old, she saw me use my magic once and made me her pupil immediately after." Twilight said as she continued to write on the piece of paper.

"Judging by the way Celestia looks at your flank, magic is not the only reason why she made you her star pupil." Spike mumbled.

"What was that?" Twilight asked.

"I was talking about how good you are at using magic." Spike lied.

"Your right, I am good at magic. I need you to send this to Celestia." Twilight said as she levitated the piece of paper that she just finished writing on towards Spike.

"What did you write?" Spike asked as he grabbed the piece of paper.

"I'm asking her if it is okay for you and me to go to Ponyville to make sure everything is in order for her arrival for the Summer Sun Celebration." Twilight said.

"Why don't you just tell her about Nightmare Moon's return?" Spike asked.

"Then she would just step in and defeat Nightmare Moon herself, and if that happens she won't make me a Princess." Twilight said.

"Okay, but don't come crying to me when your plan goes to shit." Spike said.

"Just send the letter." Twilight said unamused.

Spike lifted the letter to his mouth and blew a small amount of fire on the letter making it look like the letter was incinerated but in reality it was a teleported to the princess….. Don't ask me how that works, because, I have no idea.

"Now what?" Spike asked.

"We wait for Celestia to write back." Twilight said. And so they stood there and waited and waited and waited and then they waited some more.

"When will she write back? We've been waiting here for five hours." Spike whined.

"It's only been two minutes." Twilight pointed out.

"I am a teenager in dragon years so I have an excuse for being impati-" Spike was saying before he was interrupted by a burp followed by fire and finally a letter that Twilight quickly snatched out of the air with her magic.

"What does it say?" Spike asked. Twilight coughed several times to clear her voice and then started to read the letter.

" _I am thankful that I have a pupil as considerate as you. You can go to Ponyville to check up on the Summer Sun Celebration if you so wish. After I show up for the Summer Sun Celebration we can get together and talk, and then we can go back to the castle and watch a movie in my royal chambers. I will be sending over a chariot and two royal guards to fly you to Ponyville. Love Princess Celestia."_ Twilight finished reading.

"And now the plan begins." Twilight said with a wicked smile.

 **Four Hours Later**

"This Is Ponyville?" Spike asked as he stepped out of the chariot following Twilight.

"Yep" Twilight said.

"So what are we going to do first?" Spike asked as he continued to follow Twilight.

"First we need to check on all the preparations for the Summer Sun Celebration before we start looking into Nightmare Moon's Return." Twilight said.

"That sounds boring." Spike grumbled.

"I told Celestia I would help, so I am going to help."

"Where are we going to be staying while we are here?" Spike asked.

"We are going to be staying in Ponyville's Community Library until the Summer Sun Celebration is over." Twilight said.

"You wanted to stay in a library…shocker."

"Shut up, and help me look for an apple farm" Twilight said as she looked around.

"Why?" Spike asked.

"We need to make sure the food is prepared for the Summer Sun Celebration, and the pony in charge of preparing the food lives on an apple farm." Twilight said as she continued to look around for the allusive apple farm.

"Ask that pink pony." Spike said as he pointed over to a pink pony who was walking (trotting?) towards them.

"Hey, cotton candy! You know where an apple farm is?" Twilight asked as she walked (trotted?) towards the pink pony.

The pink pony gasped. "I FORGOT TO TAKE MY REXULTI!" the pink pony suddenly screamed and ran off.

"That was….Interesting." Spike said with a blank expression on his face.

"More like exasperating" Twilight corrected.

 **1 Hour Later**

"I can't believe it took a whole hour for us to find the apple farm." Spike grumbled as he and Twilight finally made their way into the apple farm.

"An hour? It only took ten minutes." Twilight corrected.

"But the author said it was an hour." Spike said.

"I don't give a fuck what the author said." Twilight said as the author began to cry.

"YAHOO!" an orange pony yelled as she ran by Spike and Twilight and bucked the buck out of an apple tree causing all the apples to fall from the tree.

"Yahoo? I prefer Google." Spike said.

"Google is trash. Bing is the best." Twilight corrected.

"Who da fuck are y'all, and why are y'all on mah farm." The orange pony said as she walked over to Twilight and Spike.

"Damn, you're southern." Twilight said.

"Yup! But that didn't answer mah question." the orange pony said.

"I was sent here by Princess Celestia to make sure everything is prepared for the Summer Sun Celebration, and I was told that the owner of this apple farm was in charge of food preparation." Twilight said in a regal accent.

"Well then, town's pony, what's y'all name?" The orange pony asked.

"Twilight Sparkle" Twilight said with a smile as her inner ego began to shine through. "You might have heard of me. I am Princess Celestia's star pupil, plus, I am the most powerful Unicorn in all of Equestria today."

"Isn't Shining better at magic than you?" Spike interjected.

"The only magic Shining knows is defensive magic!" Twilight shouted angrily. "He's such a pussy."

"Ah can't say I've heard of y'all, or this Shining fellow, but me and mah family love meeting new ponies. Mah names Applejack by the way." Applejack said as she extended her hoof for a hoofshake. Twilight accepted the hoofshake and almost got her hoof ripped off in the process.

"Man, you are strong" Twilight said as she rubbed her sore hoof.

"Who's Man?" Spike asked but was promptly ignored by Twilight, Applejack, and the author.

"If y'all think ah'm strong y'all need to see mah brother. While y'all are here why not see the rest of the Apple family." Applejack said as she walked (trotted?) over to a bell and rang in with her mouth. Which is, by the way, really unsanitary.

"APPLES ASSEMBLE!" Applejack called out after she was done ringing the bell. In a matter of seconds several dozen ponies suddenly ran over to Applejack forming a crowd behind her.

"This here is mah family. Ah can't tell y'all most of their names, because most of them are wanted for financial fraud. Ah can however tell y'all the names of the ponies who live with me on this here farm." Applejack said. "This is mah sister, Applebloom." Applejack said as a filly walked (trotted!) forward and stood next to Applejack.

"How old are you?" Spike asked Applebloom.

"I'm thirteen. How about you?" Applebloom asked with an adorable smile.

"I'm fourteen in dragon years." Spike answered.

"Cool! Do you want to be friends?" Applebloom asked.

"Sure" Spike said.

"You finally made a friend." Twilight said mockingly.

"That's one more friend than you got." Spike retorted.

"And this is mah brother, Big Macintosh, but he prefers to be called Big Mac" Applejack said as a stallion the size of Donkey Kong stepped forward.

"Pleasure to make your acquaintance." Big Mac said in a Canterlot accent.

"Is that really how you talk?" Spike asked.

"Nah, ah'm just fucking with y'all." Big Mac said with a laugh as he switched back to his real voice.

"Big Mac is good with impersonations." Applejack said "and that over there is Granny Smith." Applejack said as she gestured towards an old mare who was sitting asleep in a rocking chair.

"Is she dead?" Twilight asked.

"WAKE UP!" Applejack shouted.

"BINGO!" Granny Smith yelled as she awoke from her slumber. "Wait, this isn't the Bingo Parlor."

"We got guest, Granny." Applejack said as she gestured towards Twilight and Spike.

"Are they bill collectors?" Granny Smith asked.

"Nah, there from Canterlot. They came to check up on the Summer Sun Celebration." Applejack said.

"It's nice to meet y'all." Granny Smith said with a smile. "Ah'd get up and shake your hoof but ah can't feel mah hoofs for two hours after ah wake up from a nap."

"Since the meet and greet is over with, let's get back to business. I will need to see some of the food being offered at the Summer Sun Celebration." Twilight said impatiently.

"Sure thing, follow me." Applejack said as she walked (trotted!) towards a table that had various types of apple food products. Twilight and Spike followed her over to the table.

"This here, is some of the food we are going to be serving during the Celebration" Applejack said as she stood next to the table.

"Well the food looks good." Twilight said as she looked at the food.

"It smells good." Spike added as he smelled the food.

"But does it taste good?" Twilight asked.

"See for y'all self's." Applejack said as she gestured towards the large amount of food.

"You go first, Spike" Twilight said as she nudged Spike towards the food.

"Why do you want me to go first?" Spike asked.

"You need to make sure the food isn't poisoned. Don't worry I have poison controls phone number memorized." Twilight said.

Spike grunted and reached across the table and got a piece of apple pie. He lifted the apple pie to his mouth, closed his eyes, and took a small bite. Spikes eye shut open the second the flavor hit his taste buds.

"I think, I just tasted heaven." Spike said as he stared wide eyed at the rest of the apple pie in his hands. He lifted the rest of the apple pie to his mouth to take a bite but Twilight snatched the pie out of his hands with her magic.

"It can't be that good." Twilight said doubtfully. She flouted the pie to her mouth and took a bite. Twilight felt her whole body tingle as the pies flavor flooded her taste buds. Twilight slowly swallowed and stared at the pie like it was the finale piece of food in the world.

"So what do y'all think?" Applejack asked. Twilight was in her own little world, she quickly ate the rest of the pie.

"I've been eating shit my whole life, and I didn't even realize it." Twilight said as she finally snapped back to reality. "That was the best thing I've ever eaten."

"Y'all to kind, Twi." Applejack said.

"Twi?" Twilight said shocked that the farmer was giving her a nickname when they only just met.

"Y'all don't mind if I call y'all that, do y'all?" Applejack asked.

"I'd rather you not." Twilight said with a small blush forming on her face.

"What's next on the preparations?" Spike suddenly asked.

"The preparations!" Twilight shouted. She had gotten really side tracked and completely forgot about the preparations.

"Don't let me keep y'all waiting. Go do all y'all fancy preparation stuff." Applejack said.

 **10 Minutes Later**

"So what do we check on next." Spike asked.

"Weather, and judging by all the clouds in the sky, we are going to have to talk to the pony who is-" Twilight was saying before she was cut off by a rainbow haired cannonball crashing into her.

"Da fuck?" Spike said confused by what just happened. Twilight was now laying in a puddle of mud with a rainbow haired Pegasus laying on top of her.

"Get. The. Fuck. Off." Twilight said angrily from underneath the Pegasus.

"Please, don't sue me!" The Pegasus quickly said as she got off of Twilight. Twilight stood up now coved in mud from top to bottom.

" _I am going to murder that pony."_ Twilight thought as she looked up to see the rainbow pony who had crashed into her. _"Wow! She's really good looking."_ Twilight suddenly thought when she locked eyes on the rainbow pony.

"I'm sorry. Me and the ground don't get along to well." The rainbow pony said with an apologetic smile. Twilight continued to just stare slack jawed at the rainbow Pegasus. "My names Rainbow Dash. What's yours?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"Twilight Sparkle" Twilight said as her surprise morphed into anger.

"Here, let me get you cleaned off." Rainbow Dash said as she flew into the sky and grabbed a cloud. She pulled the cloud over Twilight's head, and started jumping up and down on top of it. Rain poured onto Twilight cleaning off the mud but now leaving her covered in water.

"Sorry, I am really good at getting ponies wet. It's a blessing and a curse." Rainbow Dash said.

"I'll get you dry." Rainbow Dash said as she flew around Twilight forming a small tornado. The wind from the tornado dried off Twilight, but left her with an extremely fluffy mane.

"I'm also really good at blowing ponies." Rainbow Dash said as she landed back on the ground. "You might want to look into fixing that mane of yours."

"What's wrong with my mane?" Twilight asked.

"It looks like a green cotton ball" Rainbow Dash said.

"I am lavender not green." Twilight corrected.

"What's lavender?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"….your joking right?" Twilight asked.

"Does it involve flying?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"No."

"Then I don't care." Rainbow Dash said.

" _All looks, zero smarts._ " Twilight thought.

"How about this, you tell me who is in charge of keeping the sky clean, and I won't sue you for crashing into me." Twilight said hoping to change the subject to something less stupid.

"Um….I am" Rainbow Dash said guiltily.

"Then why is the sky not cleared?"

"I might have forgotten about the whole 'keeping the sky clean' thing."

"Then why don't you clear the sky?" Twilight asked.

"Will you not sue me if I clear the sky?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"Yeah, whatever" Twilight grumbled.

Rainbow Dash suddenly flew into the sky, and kicked cloud after cloud destroying them on contact. She quickly finished destroying the clouds and flew back to the ground. Twilight stood slack jawed at what she just witnessed. Rainbow Dash had managed to finish clearing the sky of clouds in TEN SECONDS FLAT… I bet you were waiting for me to say that.

"B-but how did you manage to clear the sky that fast?" Twilight asked as she stared at Rainbow Dash in amazement.

"Did I forget to mention, I am the fastest flyer in all of Equestria?" Rainbow Dash asked with a cocky grin.

"How can someone like you be so talented in flying?"

"What do you mean someone like me? It's because I'm purple isn't it."

"First off you are cyan not purple, and secondly I didn't mean your color I meant the fact that you're an idiot."

"Being an idiot isn't that bad," Rainbow Dash said "my Mom and Dad are both idiots and they turned out just fine."

"I've had enough stupid for one day," Twilight said "let's go Spike."

"If you ever need tips on flying feel free to call me!" Rainbow Dash yelled as she flew away.

"I hate that pony." Twilight spat.

"You hate all ponies." Spike pointed out.

"Some more than others." Twilight quipped.

"Whatever," Spike said "what are we checking on next?"

"Décor."

"Sounds boring." Spike said.

"True that," Twilight said "the pony in charge lives in a Boutique."

"How do you know that?" Spike asked.

"I just do, shut the hell up."

 **20 Minutes Later**

"Is this it?" Spike asked.

"No, that's a candy store you doofus." Twilight said as she rolled her eyes.

"Cut me a break." Spike huffed "do I look like I build houses for a living?"

"No, you look like you eat gems and sleep all day for a living." Twilight remarked.

"Fuck you Twilight."

 **10 Minutes Later**

"Finally!" Spike shouted as they walked into the Boutique.

"My hoofs are killing me." Twilight complained "I really need to learn to teleport."

"Wow" Spike whispered. "Who the hell is that?"

Twilight looked to see what Spike was talking about and saw that there was a stunning white unicorn who was examining different pieces of fabric.

"Ugly, hideous, awful, vile." The White pony said as she examined the fabrics.

Twilight and Spike continued to stare in amazement at the beauty that radiated off the white unicorn. Twilight thought Rainbow Dash was good looking but this unicorn was on a whole other level. She was the type of pony that made other ponies jealous because of how good looking she is.

"H-hello" Twilight stuttered. "Are you the pony who is in charge of décor for the Summer Sun Celebration?"

"Ew, you look terrible." The white unicorn said with a disgusted look on her face. "The homeless shelter is down the street."

"W-w-what w-were not h-homeless." Spike stuttered.

"Either way I'm going to have to ask you to leave. You're scaring away the other customers."

"What other customers?" Twilight said with a hint of irritation.

Twilight looked over at the different dresses that were on display. Her eyes widened when she glanced at the prices on some of the dresses.

"Some of these dresses cost over 1000 bits," Twilight said in shock. "Nobody in this rotten, hamlet town could afford to pay those prices. How in the hell do you stay in business?"

"I'll have you know that ponies come from all over Equestria to buy my dresses." The white pony said cockily.

"That's not true!" yelled a tiny white filly who just walked into the room. "The only reason we can keep the store open is because Mom and Dad send us bits at the end of every month."

"Sweetie Belle, what have I told you about talking while I'm doing business?" Rarity said with a hint of malice.

"Rarity, don't you remember what mom said about lying?" Sweetie Belle asked. "She said that ponies who lie go to pony hell."

"It's called Tartarus you snot-nosed brat." Rarity said with rage.

"As much as I enjoy watching family drama, I'm just here to find out how the décor for the celebration is coming along." Twilight cut in.

"Why does a peasant like you even care about the celebration?" Rarity asked suspiciously.

" _It's showoff time!_ " Twilight thought with a smirk that could rival that of the Grinch himself.

"My name is Twilight Sparkle, Celestia's number one pupil, and soon to be princess." Twilight said as she posed for dramatic effect. "I was sent here, by the princess herself, to make sure that everything is in order for Celestia's arrival."

Rarity stood slack jawed as she stared wide eyed at Twilight.

"Twilight, I think you broke her." Spike said worriedly.

"Serves her right for calling me a peasant."

"Y-you're the _real_ T-Twilight Sparkle." Rarity said in disbelief.

"The one and only." Twilight said smugly.

"But in the Canterlot weekly news it said that you were studying magic under Celestia herself." Rarity said in dismay. "Why are you in Ponyville?"

"I decided to take a break and help out the princess. Plus this midget has always wanted to visit Ponyville." Twilight lied as she nodded towards Spike.

"U-um yeah t-totally." Spike stuttered.

"Does the lizard thing have a name?" Rarity asked.

"M-my name is S-spike Robinson Lee D-Dudley."

"You made up most of those names." Twilight deadpanned.

"S-shut up, T-Twilight!" Spike yelled embarrassed.

"If you work for the princess you must be loaded." Sweetie Belle said in amazement.

"Yeah, Princess Celestia pays me a pretty hefty allowance." Twilight said dismissively. "I don't have much use for bits, since books are pretty cheap."

"I'm so sorry for what I said earlier." Rarity said apolitically. "How about I make it up to you by fixing that awful mane of yours."

"Sure" Twilight said with a smile.

" _I'm not even a princess yet and ponies are already giving me special treatment_." Twilight thought. " _This is wonderful._ "

 **15 Minutes Later**

"She said the décor is going good. Are we done now?" Spike asked as he and Twilight walked down the streets of Ponyville.

"We have to make sure the music is prepared and then we will be done." Twilight said.

"Where's the pony who's working on the music?"

"They live in a cottage near the Everfree Forest." Twilight said.

"Isn't that the forest with all the monsters?" Spike asked.

"Yeah, every week there is an article in the newspaper about some fool who walks into the forest and loses a hoof." Twilight said coldly. "I hate foolish ponies."

 **20 Minutes Later**

"Do you hear that?" Spike asked.

"Yeah, this must be the right cottage." Twilight said. "If it isn't, I'm going to blow the place up."

"If you do decide to blow it up then warn me this time." Spike deadpanned. "I had a lump on my head for a week after that piece of debris hit me in the skull."

"Whatever, let's just get this over with so we can go to the library and figure out how to defeat Nightmare Moon." Twilight said impatiently.

They continued to walk towards the sound of music where they found a yellow Pegasus orchestrating a group of birds to make music.

"What the fuck is wrong with this town!" Twilight exclaimed, which scared away the birds and caught the attention of the yellow Pegasus. "There is nothing normal in this damn town!"

"W-w-who a-are y-y-you" The Pegasus stuttered as she backed away from Twilight and Spike.

"My names Twilight Sparkle." Twilight said dejectedly. "Da fucks your name?"

"I-I-I'm F-F-Fluttershy t-the d-d-dark w-warlock of t-the north." Fluttershy said nervously.

"The dark what of the what?" Spike said confused. "Was that some type of word play?"

"Wow!" Fluttershy suddenly shouted as she noticed Spike. "Are you a dragon?"

"Um, Yeah." Spike said awkwardly.

"You could cosplay as Viinturuth." Fluttershy said excitedly.

"Vinthoth?" Spike said even more confused "Twilight, I think we should get the hell out of here."

"I-If you don't like Viinturuth then you could also cosplay as something more family friendly like Spyro or Yoshi." Fluttershy said insistently.

"It looks like you're doing fine with the music." Twilight said as she used her magic to pull Spike away from Fluttershy. "We are leaving now."

Twilight laid Spike on her back and began to walk in the opposite direction of the cottage and back into town.

"W-wait!" Fluttershy shouted as she ran to catch up with Twilight. "D-do you want to p-play a quick game of O-Overwatch?"

"I'm literally on a mission for the ruler of Equestria" Twilight said angrily as she continued to walk back into town. "I don't have time for games."

Hearing that seemed to make Fluttershy stiffen in shock. As she stopped walking and stood still for about five seconds. She eventually snapped out of her shock and ran to catch up with Twilight again.

"There is always time for games." Fluttershy said insistently. "I own a bunch of different games."

"Like what?" Spike asked.

"Fuck my life." Twilight said as she felt a sense of dread.

"I own Skyrim, Portal, Shadow of the Colossus, All the Call of Duty games, Destiny…..

 **30 Minutes Later**

Crush, Dead Head Fred, Blue Dragon, Golden Sun: Dark Dawn, The World End With You." Fluttershy continued to list off.

"Shut the hell up" Twilight growled.

"My ears hurt." Spike groaned weakly.

Twilight, Spike, and Fluttershy finally arrived at the Ponyville Library. Twilight quickly used her magic to open the library door and then turned to face Fluttershy.

"It's been awful talking with you, but I have important stuff to do." Twilight said "Hopefully we never have to meet again."

Twilight then turned around and walked into the dark library.

"SURPRISE!"

Twilights fight or flight instinct kicked in, and she fired a shot of magic which blasted the hat off of some random pony. The pony turned around to look for his hat but Twilight knew he wouldn't find it.

" _I guess, I need to be more careful with the dematerialize spell._ " Twilight though with a frown.

"My name is Pinkie Pie!" A pink earth pony suddenly screamed as she ran up to Twilight. "I have schizophrenia!"

"Um…..Good for you." Spike said awkwardly.

"Wait a second, you're that weird pink pony we saw earlier." Twilight said.

"Yeah, that might have been me." Pinkie Pie said thoughtfully. "I'm pretty sure that was me."

"I can't tell if your joking or not." Spike said.

"Listen!" Twilight shouted so she could get everyone's attention. "I'm going to have to ask everyone in here to get the flip out! I've got important things to do."

"Oh!" Pinkie said excitedly. "Are you going to go masturbate?!"

A blush exploded on Twilights face as she stared at Pinkie with nothing less than murderous intent.

"No, of course not!" Twilight shouted with barely suppressed hostility. "Are you a psychopath or something?"

"No!" Pinkie shouted happily. "My therapist said that my behavior is too sporadic to be able to form psychopathic traits!"

"I'll show you psychopathic traits, you pink demon!" Twilight growled as she began to concentrate magical power into her horn.

"Hey, there's fight need to no!" Rainbow Dash said as she flew between Twilight and Pinkie.

"Ah'm pretty sure she meant to say 'there's no need to fight'." Applejack said as she appeared from the crowd.

"It's pronounced I'm not ah'm." Rarity said as she also appeared.

"H-Hey, I'm h-here too." Fluttershy said as she appeared.

"Whatever!" Twilight huffed. "Bye, fuck all of you."

"Where are you going, Twilight?" Spike asked.

"Upstairs."

 **4 hours later**

"There is nothing here!" Twilight screamed at the ceiling as she tossed away a book she had been reading.

Twilight had been upstairs trying to find information about Nightmare Moon. She would go down stairs and grab a stack of books every few minutes. As you could probably guess she didn't find jack shit.

"There is nothing here!" Twilight shouted hysterically. "Nothing!"

Twilight suddenly grabbed a pillow and buried her face into it as she screamed at the top of her lungs. Twilight started to feel tears of frustration begin to form in her eyes.

"It has to be here." Twilight groaned sadly. "This is my moment."

Twilight laid in bed for a few minutes just crying to herself while muttering harsh words into her pillow.

"I will become a princess." Twilight muttered angrily. "I'll show them, I'll show everyone that I'm better than him."

"Um, you okay?"

Twilight had been so distracted that she didn't notice that Spike had come to check on her. Twilight quickly wiped away the tears that had been cascading down her face. Twilight tried to put on a calm mask as she turned to look at Spike.

"I'm fine." Twilight said calmly.

"No, you're not." Spike said worriedly.

"What makes you say that?" Twilight asked as she glared at Spike.

"Your eyes are puffy and your nose is running." Spike said as he gestured at Twilight.

"I have allergies."

"Were you thinking about your parents again?" Spike asked with worry in his eyes.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Did you find anything out about how to beat that villain you were talking about?" Spike asked.

"No, nothing at all." Twilight said angrily. "I guess I'm just going to have to wing it."

"That sounds like a terrible idea." Spike deadpanned. "We should just tell the princess."

"Spike, I will become a princess no matter what." Twilight said with a stomp of her hoof. "You know why I have to do this, don't you?"

"Yeah, I know." Spike said sadly. "That doesn't mean I agree with it."

"I don't need you to agree." Twilight said as she gave Spike a noogie. "I just need you to understand. You're the only one who can understand."

"The Summer Sun Celebration is about to begin." Spike said.

"Okay, here is the plan." Twilight said. "We go to the celebration and wait for Nightmare Moon to show up. I highly doubt Celestia will show up on time."

"Why wouldn't she show up on time?" Spike asked.

"She hasn't shown up to a Summer Sun Celebration on time in years." Twilight said with a roll of her eyes. "Nightmare Moon was able to go one on one with Celestia, so I won't be able to beat her in a fight."

"Then how are we going to beat her?"

"Villains love to monologue. So it's simple, we just let Nightmare Moon give us information on how to defeat herself." Twilight said happily. "After we manage to get enough information we simply retreat and come up with phase two of the plan."

"What if Nightmare Moon decides to go on a murder spree and starts killing ponies." Spike pointed out.

"Some members of the royal guard are stationed here for the celebration." Twilight said dismissively. "While their taking a beating the rest of the ponies can run and hide."

"This sounds like a bad idea." Spike said uneasily.

"Lighten up," Twilight said with a smile. "Some of my best ideas started out as bad ideas."

 **40 Minutes Later**

"So this is the Summer Sun Celebration." Spike said as he stared at all the ponies who gathered for the celebration. "This is boring."

"Who's idea was it to pack this many ponies into such a confined space." Twilight huffed. "It smells terrible."

"Attention!" The mayor of Ponyville shouted to get everyone's attention. "This is the part when I would announce Princess Celestia's arrival but, to the surprise of absolutely no one, she is not here."

"Twilight, I think something is about to happen." Spike said as he pointed over at the balcony where black smoke began to form.

"So you arranged a welcoming committee for me, how nice." Said a mysterious voice.

" _Here we go._ " Twilight thought with a look of determination on her face.

"But of course, this little get-together is not for me, now is it." Said the mysterious voice as a black Alicorn stepped out of the smoke. "It's for your idiotic, fat princess."

"So I take it your Nightmare Moon!" Twilight shouted so she could be heard over the mumbling crowd.

The whole room fell quiet as every pony stared back and forth between Twilight and Nightmare Moon.

"So my name has not been completely forgotten to time." Nightmare Moon said icily. "What might your name be, little one?"

"My name is Twilight Sparkle." Twilight said confidently. "I'm the mare who is going to defeat you."

"That's a pretty lofty goal." Said Nightmare Moon as she glared at Twilight. "I am unbeatable."

"Last time I checked you got your plot handed to you by Celestia a thousand years ago." Twilight pointed out as she glared back at Nightmare Moon.

"That buffoon of a princess could never have defeated me if not for the elements of harmony." Nightmare Moon said as she shook the whole building with a stomp of her hoof.

" _Checkmate_ " Twilight thought.

"Well it's been nice talking to you but I'm going to leave now." Twilight said hurriedly as she levitated Spike onto her back and proceeded to get the hell out of dodge.

Nightmare Moon stood in surprise as she continued to stare at the spot where Twilight was standing.

"So, are we cool?" Some random pony asked.

Nightmare Moon slowly turned her head to stare at the pony who just spoke.

"No."

Nightmare Moon then began to fire bolts of magic into the crowd of ponies.

 **To Be Continued….Hopefully**

 **Feel free to tell me about how I can make this story better. Tell me what spelling errors I might have made. I suck at spelling so I probably made a lot. I hope I managed to make you laugh at least once.**

 **Sincerely,**

 **The Author.**


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